repost from: https://www.yourmodernfamily.com/less-patient-more-lonely/

Study after study proves what we have guessed…

It’s the scary truth that our children face.   As a teacher and play therapist, I’ve heard from so many parents that their kids are acting entitled, lonely & sad.

Last week, a friend and fellow teacher printed out a section of an article talking about the reasons that kids are bored & easily frustrated, making them less patient– an article that was written by Victoria Prooday: Occupational Therapist, speaker, blogger & founder a multidisciplinary clinic for children with challenges on her blog, YourOT.

Victoria writes:  “What good are we doing them by giving them what they WANT when we know that it is not GOOD for them? Without proper nutrition and a good night’s sleep, our kids come to school irritable, anxious, and inattentive.  In addition, we send them the wrong message.   They learn they can do what they want and not do what they don’t want. The concept of “need to do” is absent. Unfortunately, in order to achieve our goals in our lives, we have to do what’s necessary, which may not always be what we want to do. ” – Victoria Prooday. (Just FYI: I’ve talked to Victoria on the phone & she is amazing, to say the least!)

My friend and I started talking about the “me generation” we both agreed that screentime and the thought of “mine, mine, mine” have a lot to do with the change in children.

Next, I read this article on PsychologyToday.com.  It is an article about a little boy using his video game, during a family gathering:

“After being on his handheld electronic game for an hour, “A perfect storm is brewing. His brain and psyche become overstimulated and excited — on fire! His nervous system shifts into high gear and settles there while he attempts to master different situations, strategizing, surviving, and defending his turf.

His heart rate increases and his blood pressure rises — he’s ready to do battle.  The screen virtually locks his eyes into position and sends signal after signal: “It’s bright daylight out, nowhere near time for bed!” – he’s ready to fight or escape!”   ~ PsychologyToday.com

The story goes on to say that his little sister came over and put her hand on the game. He hadn’t noticed her walking towards him because he was so involved in the game. Due to his elevated feelings, he screams at her and runs to his room.

His mother follows him and tells him to get off of the electronics and get ready for bed, which makes him feel frustrated, as well as physically and emotionally angry.   He feels like he was ripped out of his “fun” virtual world and put into a “boring” real world.   Kids can’t adjust so quickly and it brings about unwanted feelings and actions.

It’s happening all the time, but we can help.

How?

1. Let them be bored.

“Families [overly] centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives for our kids. Most of us have created child-centered families, where our children hold priority over our time, energy and attention.” ~ American Journal of Preventive Medicine

Instead of letting them find their own fun, we find ways to help them ‘have fun.”   They are forgetting how to keep themselves entertained, or to just let their minds be still to daydream.

2. Let them be resourceful.

“Children and young adults are pretty resilient and resourceful when we let them be. Unfortunately, most of the time, parents are afraid to loosen the reins and let them be. It’s time for that to change.” – Jennifer Harstein, USA news.

It’s not easy to watch our kids fail. It’s not easy to watch them be sad, frustrated or upset.  Just try to remember that it is easier to let them fail with these little things now, like not doing their work and losing recess time at school, than to watch them fail when they are adults and forget to pay their mortgage and lose their house.

3. Let them PLAY in real life. 

My brother told me that teens in his high school (he is the principal), will hang out on Google Hangouts instead of each other’s houses.   It made me want to start looking into things.

“We know from lots and lots of research that spending time with other people in person is one of the best predictors of psychological well-being and one of the best protections against having mental health issues.” – Audie Cornish

Time on social media “may elicit feelings of envy and the distorted belief that others lead happier and more successful lives,” a study published in theAmerican Journal of Preventive Medicine says.

Today’s children and teenager are spending less time with their friends in person.  They aren’t going for a walk outside or meeting up at a friends house. They aren’t playing games together.  Instead, they are getting together “online.”   They are losing the opportunity to learn valuable social skills from real human interactions.

These social skills are so valuable, in fact, that study after study proves they are the key to a prosperous future. Excellent social skills, combined with intelligence, are now considered to be the key to having a high-paying job.

“Leadership requires you to be socially adept. In fact, your social skills may be just as important as your intelligence when it comes to achieving success,” according to new research published in in the Review of Economics and Statistics.  ~ American Journal of Preventive Medicine

4. Let them lose.

I am ALL FOR REWARDING children, but not constantly. Not only does it lose it’s ‘shine,’ but it sets up our children to look for external rewards instead of internal rewards.   The Trophy Dilemma, as my husband calls it, isn’t going to motivate them for long.

We need our kids to learn to do things without complaining and without getting a reward.  Their boss/landlord/spouse isn’t going to be so accommodating, so it is best that they learn now.  They won’t get a bonus or time-off because they did their work on time. They won’t get a month off of their mortgage payment because they paid it on time. Yes, it’s hard to teach them these lessons.

How can we, as parents, help?

1. Ten Minutes a Day.
Did you know that the average parent spends less than 20 minutes a day playing with their kids?  I learned that during my play therapy training.
Try to reconnect daily with your kids.  Have one-on-one time with each child for ten minutes a day.  NO electronics, NO iPads or tablet, NO television.  Let your child be your guide (They pick the activity).   This time alone is going to eliminate any guilt that you feel (because we all feel guilt) and it is going to allow you to connect you with your child.
Get back to what we did before phones (back to what our parents did when we were young), spending time playing games with our kids.
You can use something simple like these one-on-one time cards (print them, cut them out & grab one a day)

2. Let Them Be Bored.
“Don’t always stress about providing something for your kids to do.  Boredom won’t kill them ― it will actually make them stronger.” ~ American Journal of Preventive Medicine

What if instead of trying to keep our kids busy and keep them from feeling bored, we just LET them be bored. What if we said, “Oh- you’re so lucky to be bored.”   (It’s the truth, right?  Don’t we wish we had time to be bored?). Don’t offer an electronic device to keep them busy, don’t offer to take them somewhere.

Just let them be bored and watch: 
-Watch your child’s mind becomes quiet and watch his interests take over.
-Watch as it leads him to create his own fun.
-Watch as his need or instant gratification fades away.
Boredom is the path to learning about one’s self.

3. Teach them to do it for pride in themselves.

“The problem with bribing children to do something is that they could possibly grow up believing that they always deserve some additional reward for simply doing what they are expected to do.   I don’t want my kids asking me what’s in it for them every time I need them to do a simple task like brushing their teeth or putting on their shoes. I don’t want them to think bargaining with me over everyday tasks is an option.” ~ Brittany (my good friend) writes on her blog, A Healthy Slice of Life

4. Talk.
Use that 10 minute ‘bedtime’ opportunity to talk to them.  This post might give you some insight into what I mean when I say “10 minute bedtime opportunity” 

5. Give Responsibilities. 
Chores are about so much more than just cleaning.  Responsibilities increase their self-worth.  It teaches them how to work.  It teaches them to take care of things.  It teaches them how to be part of something bigger than themselves.

“To develop a high self-esteem a person needs a purpose. A key component to high self-esteem relies on how you view yourself regarding contribution. In other words, in the child development process, chores are a big role in a kid’s self-esteem.” ~Impact Parenting.com

6. Bedtime
Have a set bedtimes
“A loss of one hour of sleep is equivalent to [the loss of] two years of cognitive maturation and development,”    Time.com

7. Set Electronic Boundaries. 
We have a simple rule: No electronics throughout the school week UNLESS it is a show that we are all watching together on the TV.   This means that they are not allowed to use laptops, (unless it’s school-related),  tablet,  iPods, phones, etc…   If we finish getting ready for school quickly in the morning, we might watch a show on TV together.
If My husband and I are watching Jeopardy or Planet Earth, they are welcome to join in anytime.    (Most kids have a LOT of tech time at school – they don’t need it at home.)

They are permitted to use them: on Saturday morning and on Sunday morning (if they are ready for church and have time before we leave).  They can also use them on long car-trips.

 Exceptions: Doctor’s offices,  all day sporting events, Car-line (school pickup can sometimes be 45 minutes.  Our youngest child sits with me while we wait to pick up her siblings.  She is allowed to have her Leap Pad in the car line to watch learning videos or play an educational game.

8. Be there for them: 
Let them know that you are there for them.  “If you are ever feeling sad or left out about something and it becomes too big for you to handle easily, come to me.”    I remind our kids that I am always here for them, to talk through problems, just listen, pray for them, give them advice… or not.  “I’m here… for you… all the time.”  Remind them often.

9. Put down YOUR phone. 
Make a rule with yourself that you will limit YOUR online distractions when your kids are home. Set a time that you can put electronics away (for our family – it’s 3:30, when they get home from school until 8:00, when they go to bed).

“Nearly one-third of children feel  unimportant when their parents use their cell phones during meal times, conversations, TV watching and playing outside, according to a recent study.    A June study by AVG Technologies surveyed more than 6,000 children, ages 8 to 13, from Brazil, Australia, Canada, France, The United Kingdom, Germany, The Czech Republic and the United States.

The survey discovered that 32 percent of children felt unimportant when their moms and dads were distracted by their phones. The kids said they had to compete with technology for their parents’ attention, and 28 percent of mothers and fathers agreed with this observation.”   American Journal of Preventive Medicine

10. Teach by Example. 
If you want your child to change, you must first make a change.   Show your children where your priorities lie.  Family, your spouse, etc… act the way that you want your child to act and they will quickly follow your lead.  Let your child see you reading a book, washing dishes, making dinner, having conversations where you sit and look the person in the eye. Demonstrate kindness, consistency, hard-work.

We only have 18 years to instill the qualities to last them a lifetime.  Every moment matters and you are the key to their future.